My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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