I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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