I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
