i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
