Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
