i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
