It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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