dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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