I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
