i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
