somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
ttyl tear gas
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
