Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
