i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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