If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
