just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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