I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
