As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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