In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
