is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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