Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I will be naked everywhere
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
