he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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