so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize