just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
