I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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