Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
