Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
