Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
