A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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