WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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