Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
