I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
