seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
