not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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