My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
