so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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