I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
