Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
