I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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