I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize