My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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