I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
