dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize