just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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