nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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