why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
