i just wanna soil my oats bro
I think my vagina is haunted
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
