I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
