the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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