Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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