So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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