You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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