My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
