I accidentally had phone sex last night
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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