I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
3pm strippers are depressing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
