i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
