Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
