i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize