He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
