____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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