Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
