Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
