no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
